Spokesperson Clarifies That No One Spoke

In a press conference Wednesday, an official spokesperson confirmed that, contrary to widespread reports, no one had spoken.

The statements that had appeared to be made were, on closer review, 'gentle sound emissions that should not be confused with positions.'

Asked whether the spokesperson's own statement counted as a statement, the spokesperson clarified that any answer they gave would itself require clarification, and stepped silently away from the podium.