Every Approved Headline.
The complete record of corrective narrative work, sorted by tone of harm.
Harm Analysis
Local Man Apologizes For Apology, Citing Insufficient Remorse
A four-page statement is reportedly being drafted to address the inadequacy of the original three pages.
Study Suggests Eye Contact May, In Fact, Be A Form Of Violence
Researchers urge the public to consider 'looking near, but not at, one another.'
Honesty Reclassified As 'Tier-Two Microaggression,' Pending Tier-One Review
Citizens are encouraged to soften, vagueify, or simply not answer.
Compliment Flagged As Pressure, May Constitute Coercion
All positive feedback is now under mandatory review before delivery.
Emotional Fact-Check
Study Finds 100% of Opinions Now Require Context
Researchers warn that ungovernance of personal takes has reached crisis levels.
Audience Clapped Incorrectly, Speaker Confirms
The pattern of applause has been deemed 'tonally unaligned with the moment.'
Weather Forecast Cancelled After Being Found 'Tonally Biased Toward Sun'
Meteorologists have been retrained to describe all weather as 'a journey.'
Impact Review
Coffee Shop Adds Trigger Warning To Menu After Customer Felt 'Pressured To Choose'
The warning, mounted in 48-point font, has itself prompted a second warning.
Mirror Discovered To Be 'Unsafe Space' For 78% Of Citizens
Pilot program covers all reflective surfaces in fabric until further notice.
Office Replaces All Meetings With Three-Hour 'Statements Of Care'
No decisions have been made, but everyone reportedly feels seen.
Tech Firm Replaces AI With Single Human Sighing In A Room
Customers describe the new feature as 'remarkably present.'
Community Corrections
Breaking: Silence Reclassified As Loud
A new advisory board has determined that not speaking now constitutes a statement.
Local Man Cancels Himself Preemptively To 'Save Everyone The Trouble'
Sources confirm he has already begun the public-apology phase of a yet-unannounced misstep.
National Dictionary Replaced With Feelings Chart
All previously defined words have been retired pending emotional review.
Panel Recommends Banning The Letter 'I' For Being Too Self-Centered
A working group is drafting alternatives, including 'we,' 'one,' and 'collective vessel.'
Everyone Is Now Marginalized, Spokesperson Confirms
Officials say the inclusion is comprehensive and 'finally complete.'
Calendar Removed From Public Life For Being 'Too Linear'
All meetings will now occur 'sometime soon, in a way that honors everyone's pace.'
Lived Experience
Court Rules Facts Are 'Suggestions,' Pending Lived-Experience Review
All evidence is now subject to a feelings audit before being admitted.
Punctuation Found To Be 'Emotionally Loud,' Period Banned
Sentences must now end with a gentle pause and a willingness to remain open.