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Impact ReviewMay 8, 2026 · 3 min

Office Replaces All Meetings With Three-Hour 'Statements Of Care'

No decisions have been made, but everyone reportedly feels seen.

By Workplace Editor

A mid-sized firm has eliminated all decision-making meetings in favor of daily three-hour 'Statements of Care,' in which each team member shares how they are doing, how they are feeling about how they are doing, and how they feel about feeling how they feel.

Productivity is reportedly down, but morale remains high among those who have not yet attempted to deliver any work.

The CEO confirmed that all upcoming quarterly targets have been replaced with one shared target: 'mutual emotional adjacency.'

This article is satire. All quoted people, panels, studies, and spokespersons are fictional. Resemblance to real events or individuals is incidental and parodic.

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